It's been a year since I've seen him… a year since the
Christmas Day walk in the park with the dogs, and the argument that ended in me
moving out of the house completely. A year since the New Year's Day he used his
pickup truck to move the last of my belongings to my mom's garage; asking over
and over the impossible question, "Why?" to which I had no answer
that would satisfy him. A year since we drank coffee at Starbucks, embraced one
last time, and said, "Good-bye," signaling the finality of our relationship.
A year since I've been someone's fiancée, Significant Other,
domestic partner, or listed as an "In Case of Emergency" contact on a phone or diabetes bracelet. A
year since I've heard his voice, seen his face or felt his embrace. A year
since I've been kissed with anything remotely resembling passion or desire. A
year alone.
It's not so much the physical connections I miss as the company. Sure, I miss having someone to hold hands with, to hug, to have stroke my hair or lean against while watching Food Network. But when I climb into bed by myself at the end of the day and realize the only conversation I've had is with my dog, that's when the sadness hits. Most days, I like living alone and I like the life that I'm in the process of creating. While I was being consumed by the toxicity of my relationship, I created a fantasy world in which I had a small house of my own, where I was free to be myself without fear or anxiety. Now that the dust has settled, I realize that I'm exactly where I'd longed to be. And yet.
There are times--usually late at night--when I hear the insidious whispers in my mind that tell me I've had my chances, and I blew them all, so I shouldn't expect to be given any more. Or that I'm no longer young, and the kind of love I long for isn't going to happen again; the best I can hope for are chaste friendships involving movies, coffee and going home to separate beds. And sometimes, I believe the whispers, even as I know they are lying.
We aren't given a certain amount of opportunities and then no more; there are countless chances for us to make connections, form relationships, and yes, find passion and love. At any age.
